Wednesday, March 14, 2012

On why we broke up and other thoughts

This book


This song

And you make room for a lot of thoughts on break-ups and people that you used to know.

I have a confession to make. My husband AR was not my first boyfriend. He wasn't even my second boyfriend. I had two relationships in college, one while I was taking my Masters, and one last while I was working and before I met AR.

So of course this book reached out to me. And this song too.

See, the sad thing about breaking up is that you fully trust the other person with who you are, expecting them to love you always and forever, even when you break up, even when they get to know who you really are, no matter how bad it gets.

But relationships, sadly, are ever that way. Even relationships with people you're related to can be secretive, strained, full of venom and spite -- what more people you are not linked to by blood. Both of you always have the choice to walk away.

I guess the most painful part is knowing that there's this other person walking around there in the world, who knew you, really knew you, because you revealed who you were to them, the entirety of you, your thoughts, your secrets, your dreams, your hopes, and they learned to hate you. They learned to tell you, "I love you but I don't like you."

I didn't really want to write this all down. After all, we like to idealize "mothers" and "moms", thinking that their happily married lives are the only ones that matter or ever existed. (P.S. Oh and it's not always happily ever after. We have our fair share of fights, of loneliness, of misunderstandings too you know.)

Not true. I was a complete person even before this marriage. It's just that I was blessed enough to find my soulmate and have a half-angel, half-devil for my child (okay, more like half-monkey).

I usually keep these things to myself. Lord knows that after every painful break-up possible, I didn't want to be so vulnerable again to be judged, drawn and quartered for anyone who is reading this right now.

But this is just for me. I woke up from a dream and I seriously missed the person I met in that dream.

It was about somebody that I used to know. Only, when I woke up, I realized I had never met that person. (It would have made a good story. Girl's married off and forgotten, her memory erased, that she once had this boy she was in love with but had forgotten about. Feel free to use the story idea. Please share with me when you've written it. Would love to hear what it's like.)

It is a literal metaphor come to life. Somebody that you used to know. Only, what's left is just the sadness that you didn't end up together. (Although in the dream, the guy had somehow entered my life again and wanted to find out about me, but I refused to give him any information on what my current life is like. Dear Lord, I hope this is not portents of some kind.)

Anyway, it doesn't help that I'm currently reading this too:

(Why am I not surprised it's going to be made into a movie? Why do people like Nicholas Sparks? Every single one of his movies is traumatic to me. And, yeah, as some die-hard fans have told me, he doesn't kill every one of his characters. Sure. It just feels like he does.)

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