I'm all over the place right now, reading this and that, trying to keep my inner child happy and trying to heal her.
At the moment, I'm reading Paulo Coelho's "The Pilgrimage", David Icke's "And the Truth Shall Set You Free", a book by Frank E. Peretti called "Prophet", and reading up on spiritual emergency and bipolar disorder.
It never feels that I am learning anything. If anything, reading more just makes me feel that there is so much more that I don't understand, so many talented people out there talking about their personal truths when I don't even have the courage to face mine.
I know my personal truth. And that is that there is only one God and that He made everything. He is all-knowing and no matter how much I search, research, study, or learn things, He knows what is best.
How do I know this? It is not a knowing of the mind, of the intellect, but a knowing of the heart.
If I can't trust and love a God who has taken care of me all these years, then it would be the same as killing my soul.
So why won't the depression go away? Why this mad search for anything that sounds like truth?
Because I have yet to write my own personal truth down, I guess.
And, right now, it feels more like there are more things I am not sure of, things I can never be sure of, than things I can add to the one truth I just stated above.
But even in the darkness, we try to find our way. In the darkness, we learn to navigate by moonlight or the stars. When they are absent, we can use a flashlight to guide us.
We find a path to our own personal truths in our own time.
The key, I guess, is to be patient with the process.
Even if we never arrive, we must enjoy the journey along the way. Because time does not stop and wait for us to catch up. It is ever moving and slips through our fingers before we know it.
In the meantime, breathe, count your blessings, and continue the good fight.
It's going to be okay. Someone wise once added, "If it's not okay, it's not the end."